‘Paranormal Social Media-ism and The Unification of Idiocy’
Standing shoulder to shoulder like a wall of ignorance ........ Elvis Podvorac weighs in on "paranormal unity"
On a cold, snowless winter night, dressed in the required black, a group of ghost hunters stand around the entrance to an old train tunnel. It was a gathering of men and women from two different teams, like the merging of two mighty prides of lions.
These lions weren’t lean like the majestic gods of the golden Savannah. Nay; these were frumpy lions, with hot, rancid breath that reeks of cheap cigarettes and bad coffee.
The conversation was light and whimsical, as is typical when carnivores gather.
Finally someone - generally a lioness - will say something to the effect of;
“Let’s get started. I’m freezing,” marking the official start of the investigation.
Cameras roll, flashlights wink into life, microphones are tested, and everyone shuffles into the narrow opening of the haunted tunnel.
If the group is unique and clever (which they ALWAYS are) they will generally try things that other groups (who are not as unique and/or clever) have never tried before.
One of these more clever ideas is for members of different teams to pair up together. This is a great way to see how members of other teams operate. This is usually recommended by someone in the group that has been through a work place team building exercise recently.
Within minutes, this well-oiled machine; this super-team; that has watched all the paranormal reality TV shows and knows the procedures, disintegrates.
A staccato of flashes from the digital cameras light up the tunnel like a war zone.
EVPs are being captured all over the place, but the guy with the headphones can’t quite make out what the ghosts are saying because EVERYONE IS TALKING TOO LOUD!
The psychic investigators are sensing the little girl’s fear, recognizing their sudden heart burn as a clear sign that the girl, was indeed, burned in this very tunnel - before the tunnel was even built.
Someone previews the picture they just captured and announces the clear orb that appears next to the psychic that had tacos for supper.
More flashes! More demands to speak into the strange little device with the red light or make a knocking sound! Assurances that no harm will come to her and, please don’t to run away!
There is something else in the photo…
Ecto-mist! They are not sure… but if they squint… it looks like… yes! A face! Wearing a hoodie! And swirling below where her legs should be is obviously a dromedary camel!
It would seem that this pooling of resources, this unity of great paranormal minds, has achieved more than either group could have dreamed of accomplishing on their own.
The investigation has yielded several hours combined of audio and video which will be meticulously scrutinized, because, not only are they professional, experienced investigators of the paranormal, they are also skeptics.
They will use science.
They will be able to tell which orbs are the ghosts and which are the droplets of moisture.
They will tweak, pinch, filter, stretch, warble and boost each EVP until they know which one is a message from beyond the veil and which are just taco flatulence.
These teams have bonded through a shared experience that has, whoa, blown all their minds.
Paranormal Unity does work. They have just proven it.
I hate the term Paranormal Unity.
I hate it with the nuclear intensity of a thousand exploding suns.
It’s a buzzword. Ghost hunters have been using it to sound like they know what they are talking about, but in truth, have absolutely NO IDEA!
My stand on orbs is that the photos are a result of atmospheric anomalies.
My stand on seeing faces in mist is that it is the result of pareidolia.
My stand on psychics is that I do not believe in psychics.
My stand on the legend of the ghost girl is that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.
My stand on tacos is that they should not be eaten before an investigation or an intimate social gathering of any kind.
So where do I fit into their vision of Paranormal Unity?
I am a pariah.
I believe that there is an as of yet unexplained phenomena occurring around us and it requires more study.
I am shunned.
Everything needs to be questioned and skepticism needs to be practised properly and not used as just another buzzword.
My questions are ignored.
If I don’t believe in what they believe in, then I cannot be embraced into their warm blanket of unification.
Thankfully, I am not alone.
There are more of us out there who embrace common sense and enjoy the surprises rendered corporeal by critical thinking. In fact, there are a lot of us out there, but not enough to tip the scales or even to balance them.
Paranormal Unity is only for those that believe in the most popular idea of that moment. If social media dictates ‘orbs-equal-ghosts’ and EMF readers as the flavour of the day, Paranormal Unity will re-align itself to fit.
For all its fancy, dressed-up lies, Paranormal Unity isn’t about helping new paranormal enthusiasts, or accepting different theories, or points of view, or even respect. It’s about getting others to agree with you and stand shoulder to shoulder like a wall of ignorance. Don’t question it. Just follow their lead.
It should really be called Paranormal Bullying.
Paranormal Unity is nothing more than a way to make ghost hunters feel more intelligent than they really are. Just because you think that orbs are ghosts, and someone agrees with you, doesn’t suddenly turn orbs into ghosts. Getting pats on the back by fellow trespassers or getting moral support by some psychic that sells crystals on her website does not make you an expert.
So, in the spirit of paranormal unity, use common sense and think critically. Base your theories and hypothesis using these simple tools. Find others that question everything and not blindly follow something they read on the internet or whose every third word is a buzzword. Have these folks review your work and benefit from knowledge plucked from every field of study, and not just what you see on reality TV.